


Heartbeats

by herwhiteknight



Series: 365 Days of Sarah/Cosima [21]
Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Couch Cuddles, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Recovery, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-26
Updated: 2017-03-26
Packaged: 2018-10-11 02:47:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10453248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/herwhiteknight/pseuds/herwhiteknight
Summary: Cosima hates herself for being weak, but Sarah's heartbeats tell her that she's not.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Cloniing on tumblr prompted me with a sentence starter: "Hear my heartbeat? Just focus on that." 
> 
> Day 22 of 365.
> 
> (Additional context for this fic can be found within the notes of "Eye Contact", part 7 of this series.)

“Hear my heartbeat?” Sarah murmurs, pulling Cosima in closer to her chest with a gentle yet firm grip. The way she has always been interacting with Cosima over these past few weeks. Or has it been months? Cosima whimpers in Sarah’s hold as she struggles to overcome the trigger of the running water from the sink. Sarah kisses her forehead, slowly, gently, and whispers against her dreads, “Just focus on that, yeah?”

Absently, habitually, Cosima lifts her nautilus necklace to her mouth and begins to gnaw on it, the action focusing her out-of-control mind onto something more simplistic and giving it a chance to stop spinning for a moment. Just above her head, Sarah starts humming the tune of a gentle Ukrainian lullaby that Helena had taught her to use when Cosima was triggered. Cosima settles against Sarah’s chest, her muscles unclenching as she chews and listens and _breathes._

Sarah keeps humming, and Cosima, whose ear is pressed against Sarah’s chest, hears the deep reverberation and the inflow and outflow of Sarah’s breathing and the steady thudding of Sarah’s constant heart and suddenly wishes she wasn’t so _weak._ “Mrs. S must think I’m so _stupid_.”

Statements like that once would’ve caused a knee-jerk reaction of defense, a quick, almost harsh refusal followed by her trademark gruff reassurance. But it hadn’t taken Sarah long to realize that that kind of response was _far_ from what Cosima needed in her fragile, traumatized state. And so she adapted. Because that’s who Sarah Manning was. A chameleon. A survivor. But this time, not at all for herself. This time, it was for Cosima. Though, if Sarah paused to think about it for more than a minute, she would admit to herself that it had _always_ been for Cosima.

“No, love. Not at all,” Sarah kisses her head again, keeping her lips pressed against her rough dreads. “She knows you’re getting better. And she’s so proud of how far you’ve come.” _Like I am,_ Sarah thinks, but the affirmation sticks in her throat. Because there’s more to that statement than just gentle pride and Sarah knows it. Which is why she keeps her lips pressed shut.

“She… she ran w-water… for d-dishes a-and I j-just s-saw _her_ standing over me and I… I c-can’t.. I…” The nautilus necklace falls out of her hands as her fingers go to her opposite wrist and start to tear at the slowly healing scars there.

“Cos,” Sarah calls gently, hoping to bring her out of the past. When Cosima’s eyes seem to unfocus, Sarah brings her arm down to gently pull apart Cosima’s hands, to prevent her from further physically damaging herself. “Just breathe for me, love. Okay?”

“I d-don’t want t-to… to f-feel like th-this, S-Sarah,” Cosima stumbles, the stutters a result of her trauma and the breaking emotion rising to the surface.

“You wont,” Sarah assures her gently, “Not forever, yeah? Until then, I’ve got you, Cos. I’ve got you.” She encourages Cosima to settle back down onto her chest and starts humming a melody in time with her heartbeat.


End file.
